Reclaiming Success

How do you define success?

That’s a big question. And it spans many areas of life. So it may be difficult to answer. But let’s break it down: 

We’ll start with career. How do you define career success?

💸 For a lot of folks, it’s climbing a ladder of some kind — corporate, non-profit, academic, or otherwise. 

💸 For some, it’s hitting a certain salary level.

💸 For others, it’s still money, but related to how much money they’ll have available to them upon retirement. 

💸 But what happens when the systems and structures change, so the ladders aren’t accessible (if available at all), wages have stagnated, and markets are inflated such that retirement isn’t an option for many, even with the once-seemingly comfortable salary?

If we shift focus to intimate partnerships, how would you define relationship success?

💘 For a lot of folks, a relationship is deemed successful when it results in marriage. 

💘 And to take that a step further, a marriage is successful when it only ends because one partner passes away. 

💘 So, by this logic, in order for a relationship to be seen as successful, it must lead to marriage and end in death. Anything else is a failure. (And, of course, there are monogamous cis-heteronormative undertones, overtones, and all other tones baked in. With no regard to even basic mutual respect.)

Or how about parenting? What does parenting success look like?

🚸 Throughout my life, I’ve often heard my friends’ parents say things along the lines of knowing they’ve succeeded as parents when their kids have chosen “good” career paths. 

🚸 And now I hear my friends (none of whom have exclusively fully grown adult children) question their parenting when their kid gets in trouble at school, or think they’re bad parents when they can’t attend EVERY SINGLE school event. 

🚸 And all of that boils down to the idea that you’re allowed to believe you’ve been a successful parent when your kid is perfect and adheres to peak capitalism. 

If you’re a business owner, how do you define entrepreneurial success? 

🕴️Many times, I hear the idea that the business will be a success when it hits a certain dollar amount. (And oftentimes, the business owner doesn’t specify whether that’s revenue, or that’s how much they’re able to pay themselves for personal income, or something else.)

🕴️Sometimes, it’s about “breaking even” or having a certain number of clients. 

🕴️Other times, it’s about the business providing for a family, or allowing for someone to retire (though commonly, my clients are women and they talk about retiring the men in their lives without talking about their own retirement.) 

🕴️Occasionally it’s about time itself — if the business makes it to 5 years (or whatever), it will have been a success. 

🕴️And just like with a relationship only being successful when it leads to marriage and ends in death, this only allows a business to be seen as successful when it can pay everyone’s bills and then they die. 

Every single one of these definitions is extremely limiting and based on socialized notions from the puritanical, cis-heteronormative, white supremacist, patriarchal umbrella we live in that leaks down toxic capitalism all over us constantly. 

But it doesn’t have to be that way. 

Every single one of these definitions is also optional. None of them are objective truths. There is no rule handed down by any kind of god that dictates the relationship you had for three months wasn’t a smashing success. And no universal declaration stating the gig worker who travels all over the place, but has no 401K isn’t wildly successful. 

What if a career is successful because it’s fulfilling?

What if a relationship is successful because you were connected?

What if you’re a successful parent because you love your children?

What if your business is successful because you created something new in the world?

What if it all is successful because it allowed you to learn about yourself and the world around you?

And to take that further: What if your life has been successful simply because you’ve lived it?

That’s a lot of questions. I know. And maybe some of these are already solid for you. But if any of them have been sticking points for you, I’d love to invite you to spend two or three minutes writing down what comes up in response. 

The truth is that you get to define success for yourself. 

And if you’d like some help on that definition, DM me. Let’s talk about it.